Summary of book
13 things mentally strong people DON’T do
by Amy Morin
Amy Morin, the author of the book, was 23 when she was with her mother at a basketball game laughing and enjoying life; but 24 hours later her mother suddenly died from a brain aneurysm. Three years after her mother’s death, her husband suddenly died of a heart attack. Amy was in a dark place but because she was a trained psychotherapist, to stop herself from falling into a deep dark depression and get back on her feet, she reminded herself of the 13 things that mentally strong people DON’T do. 13 things that prevent anyone from making progress in their life after a tragedy or setback.
The 13 habits that Amy mentions in her book, fall into the following three main categories:
- Mentally strong people DON’T feel the world owes them anything
- Mentally strong people DON’T focus on things they can’t control
- Mentally strong people DON’T make the same mistake over and over
Category 1: the world owes you nothing
If you lose your business and job and start thinking that “I’ve worked so hard I don’t deserve this”, or “I’m a good person this isn’t fair”, you are just inviting frustration and anger into your life. As children when we worked hard and did the right thing our parents and teachers made sure we got what we deserved. If matters felt a little unfair such as a sibling receiving an extra gift at Christmas, parents quickly corrected the injustice.
As a consequence, as adults, we unconsciously believe that higher power should make life fair if we have worked hard and been good people. In simple terms, if our intentions are right and have put in the effort, bad things shouldn’t happen to us. But that’s not how the world works as Amy says in her book:
No matter whether you’re the smartest person on the planet or you persevere through life’s toughest circumstances, you don’t become more deserving of good fortune than anyone else — Amy Morin
Mentally strong people constantly remind themselves of this fact. When a mentally strong person catches themselves complaining about how unfair the world is, they remind themselves of people who have or are living harder lives and have received or are receiving less such as people living in war-torn countries or children who are diagnosed with cancer.
When mentally strong people compare themselves to people living harder lives they stop focusing on what they are owed and instead direct their focus onto what they can offer other people. This could be helping a struggling coworker or making a meal for a sick friend or simply listening to a family member who’s had a hard day. When we are busy doing good deeds for others, we forget the world owes us anything.
So the next time you start thinking about what you deserve focus on how you can serve — Amy Morin
As a consequence, when you focus on what you can offer others, you’ll:
- Stop feeling like the world owes you anything
- Stop wasting time feeling sorry for yourself
- Stop resenting other people’s success
Category 2: focus on what you can control
If a mentally strong person loses her job in an economic downturn such as during the COVID pandemic, he/she doesn’t dwell on it because he/she can’t control the circumstances, his/her boss’s decision to let go of them and while keep some of his/her co-workers. Instead, he/she focuses on what he/she still has such as his/her health, his/her family, and his/her knowledge and skills, and chooses to see the circumstance as an opportunity to spend more time building her dream business or personal life.
But occasionally, it’s difficult to be grateful or optimistic, because the fear of what we can’t control is overwhelming. To help you overcome this feat, when you feel like your life is out of control, take out a piece of paper, divide it in half and write the things you can’t control on one half and the things you can control in the other. Just remember that you can’t completely control what’s happened, your thoughts and emotions, other people, and the future. But remember that you can control how you respond and more specifically, you can control what you focus on, what things mean, and how you behave.
After you’ve populated your sheet, rip off the section of things you can’t control and then continue tearing that top section into tiny little pieces or go outside and light that top section on fire and watch your fears burn away as you let go of what you can’t control.
Amy mentions four don’t in this category to follow by:
- Stop wasting energy on things you can’t control
- Stop dwelling on the past
- Stop letting people’s opinions dictate your life
- Stop trying to please everyone
Category 3: prioritize personal growth and learn from mistakes
Mentally strong people don’t metaphorically dust themselves off and get right back on their horse but rather pause to figure out why they fell off in the first place before getting back on. We want to face our mistakes and bad habits and take a deep hard look at them to see how we can stop making the same mistake in the future. The problem is that we don’t have many role models when you look at our politicians and celebrities. We can follow their lead and lie and blame others for our mistakes because we fear looking weak but owning up to mistakes and correcting them is a sign of strength and it’s what mentally strong people force themselves to do. When we own and study our mistakes, we become stronger and more resilient people and stop sliding back into our old habits.
To experience less resistance to owning and studying mistakes, imagine you’re helping someone else fix their mistake. See yourself in the third person and identify the factors that led to your last mistake — the thoughts, the behaviors, and any other external factors. Then like a clinical psychologist give instructions by running down an alternative action you can take the next time those thoughts behaviors and external factors show up.
Then create ample motivation for yourself to correct the mistake in the future by running down a list of reasons why you don’t want to continue making the mistake anymore and carry this list with you when you’re tempted to resort to your previous behavior pattern. For example, create a list of reasons why you should go for a walk after dinner when you’re tempted to watch TV instead of exercise; read the list and it will increase your motivation to move forward.
So if you want to avoid the 13 things that mentally strong people don’t do start by focusing on what you can offer other people instead of focusing on what the world owes you. As you actively help people succeed, stop wasting energy on what you can’t control and instead focus on what you can control. Stop dwelling on the past and you’ll be less concerned with what other people say about you and less worried about pleasing others as you can’t control what other people say or do. Furthermore, when you commit to not making the same mistakes over and over again by not being afraid of making mistakes, you’ll automatically stop shying away from change and taking calculated risks, and giving up after the first failure.
If you can avoid these 13 destructive mental habits when a tragedy or a setback occurs, you’ll find it much easier to get back on your feet and continue living your life to the fullest. This was the core message of the book 13 things mentally strong people don’t do by Amy Morin.
